Hi Family and old friends.   I have been missing in action for months now.  I have shared before the ups an downs with my neurologic condition called RSD/CRPS.  It is a constant battle trying to force the chronic pain to the background of my life.  The last 9 -10 months, it has been winning.  Some days it takes all of my effort to even get out of bed with the pain.   I do not take pain pills because am allergic to almost all of them.

These pictures above explain the constant types of pain those with RSD endure.  The stabbing in different parts of your body, if yours is widespread like mine.....or just in one affected area.  The burning literally feels like someone has set you on fire and you cannot put it out.   It takes a lot of will power to push it away but some days I am just completely out of gas.

This is the MCGILL PAIN SCALE...it is used in medicine to rate levels of pain for different  "ocurrences".
I often tell people, that ask, that I would rather be in labor all day, than have this stabbing and burning crap.
But then I had four babies and four very easy labors...even having number three at home--had 6 contractions at home and there she was!!

One thing that happens whether you want it or not is the chronic depression due to the chronic pain and isolation this disease wroughts.
You feel just like this......HELP  I AM TRAPPED IN MY LIFE AND I CAN'T GET OUT!!!!!!!
Some days are much easier to get up and out of bed than others.  More days than not, it would be so easy to just pull the covers back over my head and stay there and pretend life was just great.
I have SO MANY BLESSINGS in my life  that I am so greatful for.  I thank GOD for such a loving and supportive family......John is the best.  I know he gets worried about me and I worry about me as well.
It is so easy to smile on the outside and ruminate in a rut on the inside.

This sign says it all.......except the LOVE is NOT cancelled.......John and I are heading toward our 40th wedding anniversary and are in as much love as ever...if not more.  This illness has brought us much closer.
For many people, it tears their relationships apart and they end in divorce.  Makes me so said and angry at the person who doesn't have the strength or enough love to stay when the going gets tough.

I was never one to take any medicine in my life.....even went to great lengths to avoid aspirin, etc.
Now am on medicine to help me sleep.....the RSD affects the sleep center of the brain....and causes chronic insomnia.  It also affects the emotional center so when depression starts from the chronic pain, it just builds.

Drugs help me sleep and 'lift' my mood.....I used to go to work and sing and hum my way through the day  so am trying to get back into that effort.
So  in order to MOVE ON   and quit spinning in the mud   I am making notes here to try to be more positive and with LIFE in general.  To do that I have set up some goals for long term as well as just every day.
Once out there in print.......it is easier to make myself more accountable.

1.  start classes towards an art degree( i have been in some aspect of nursing since age 15 and after 32 years as a real nurse am ready to feed my creative side)  I have never taken art in school or otherwise  just a few classes here and there. 

2. make art every day   whether it is an hour on a sketch or a quick sketch or some project

3. sew something every day    have tons of ideas and patterns as well as granchildren to sew for!!!

4.  visit my elderly neighbor at least two evenings a week   she calls me her best friend and is 87
Angie has known me since I have been about 12.  She moved across the street from us 7 years ago.

5.when spring shows up   and it will soon  we are safe from all the snow the rest of the US is enduring
make outdoor projects.......cement, glass,  gardening etc.

Okay  my art project for today is painting the pantry door in chalkboard paint.
I am happy to be back and will be visiting your blogs soon.
Thank you John, Ryan and Lehua, Sarah and Ryan, Bethany and Bryce, Brianna and Jason;
Nakiah, Tovijoi, Sydne, Lauryn, Rylee Joy, Nai'a and Elijah.......you are my life  and make it so SWEET!!!!


vivian said...

catiean!! I'm so glad to find youve posted and sorry to hear youre having a tough time.. and glad to see you have a plan to find ways to keep joy in your life in spite of your situation. I'm gonna keep you in my prayers and pray for pain control or no pain.. and for lots of joy and love to fill your days and nights!! I hope you'll be back with another new post soon

Anonymous said...

Wow! Can't believe I found you and then see all the beautiful art you've created. Sorry to hear bout your strugles, but happy to know you and John are still in such love.
Friend from long long ago.